The web site of new-website-for-random-stuff

Day 1/Day 0
Alright, day one I guess. I’ve never done weight watchers before but I’ve done other diet…things so I know the day one experience. With this I feel really overwhelmed, I actually downloaded the app and stuff like…a week and a half ago? But I didn’t have any of the foods that are allowed with the plan so I kept putting it off. I’m kinda glad I did, cause with all the stressful shit going on lately I was eating too much. I’m back up to 195, and normally I’m around 185. ☹ I don’t have much faith that much is going to come of this. Or like…I’M going to make anything come of it. I know it’s mostly up to me, and at the very least if I follow a diet I will lose some kind of weight. I know my body doesn’t do well with losing weight so it probably won’t be super effective, but regardless, eating better than I do now will only be beneficial. I am glad to be doing some kind of dramatic diet change. I believe I need it. The last few months my diet has just gotten worse and worse, and especially these past few weeks it’s just been absolute garbage. I can feel my diet affecting how I function. Maybe that’s cause I’m getting older, or it’s just really bad, I don’t know. But I’m definitely looking forward to cleaning up my diet. I know this is gonna be really strict, but some discipline will be good for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking forward to eating only chicken and veggies and fruit. I’m gonna miss pizza and cakes and fast food. But today is the good ol’ Day One. I feel motivated enough, just a little lost. There’s so much to WW, it’s not just following these points. I am going to an in-person meeting on Thursday so I hope that will help me a bit.

Day 1/Day 0

Alright, day one I guess. I’ve never done weight watchers before but I’ve done other diet…things so I know the day one experience. With this I feel really overwhelmed, I actually downloaded the app and stuff like…a week and a half ago? But I didn’t have any of the foods that are allowed with the plan so I kept putting it off. I’m kinda glad I did, cause with all the stressful shit going on lately I was eating too much. I’m back up to 195, and normally I’m around 185. ☹ I don’t have much faith that much is going to come of this. Or like…I’M going to make anything come of it. I know it’s mostly up to me, and at the very least if I follow a diet I will lose some kind of weight. I know my body doesn’t do well with losing weight so it probably won’t be super effective, but regardless, eating better than I do now will only be beneficial. I am glad to be doing some kind of dramatic diet change. I believe I need it. The last few months my diet has just gotten worse and worse, and especially these past few weeks it’s just been absolute garbage. I can feel my diet affecting how I function. Maybe that’s cause I’m getting older, or it’s just really bad, I don’t know. But I’m definitely looking forward to cleaning up my diet. I know this is gonna be really strict, but some discipline will be good for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking forward to eating only chicken and veggies and fruit. I’m gonna miss pizza and cakes and fast food. But today is the good ol’ Day One. I feel motivated enough, just a little lost. There’s so much to WW, it’s not just following these points. I am going to an in-person meeting on Thursday so I hope that will help me a bit.

Day 3
UGH. I’m so hungry! But I’m trying to stick to these points. Both days one and two I’ve gone over and went into my “weekly” points. Those are the ones you’re supposed to save for extra treats and stuff. It’s hard staying in the points. Cause things I didn’t think were that big of a deal like creamer are SO many points! So I can hardly put any creamer in my coffee! I went grocery shopping and finally got some things, so it’s easier now to make low-point meals. I got fresh produce and some grapes and peanut butter powder – that stuff is great – it’s like dried, powdered peanut butter but it still tastes good but it’s not a lot of points. So my main snack now has been a banana dipped in PB powder. That’s only two points. I’m finding that these veggies and fruits aren’t keeping me full, especially ones that are mostly water, like grapes. But I also know that I have to wait some time for my body to readjust to eating healthy and not having all the fake carbs and sugars and all that. I feel like the first two weeks will be hardest, because I’m retraining myself and my body to eat normally again and not like a fat fuck. I’ve noticed quite a few interesting things, even just three days in. I wanted to write down my observations. It’s harder than I expected to sit once I finish my plate and just see if I am satisfied. I immediately want to get up and get more food, or get something sweet as a dessert. I have to remind myself that I am satiated, I don’t need to be FULL. I like feeling full but it’s not the healthiest or most productive thing for me. When I get really full I get really tired, and that more often than not leads me to lying down and taking a nap. I shouldn’t be sleepy after I eat, at least not every meal. But there’s a difference between being full and being satisfied, and I think I have to retrain myself to be comfortable with being satisfied and not overeating. My body doesn’t like the reduction in calories (or I believe there’s a reduction, I can’t exactly tell since I’m doing the points thing and I’m too lazy to calculate calories on top of that). And it’s probably a combination of eating less and the damn awful heat. Every time I go outside I feel sick. Today I felt really sick, I woke up with a headache, and then once I got home from taking the kid to her appointment I was dizzy and nauseous too. I was desperate for some filling food so I just took one of her granola bars. That bitch was five points for that little thing! But honestly it was more satisfying than any fruit or veggie would have been. I still managed to stay in my points for today. I didn’t realize how much bad food I prefer simply because it’s convenient. It’s been a lot more work just to eat now. I have to buy fresh groceries, and expensive stuff I’m not used to buying. I know I looked hella silly at Walmart the other day scanning barcodes in the grocery aisle. But I couldn’t tell what was good for points or what wasn’t. Like there was “skinny pop popcorn” and I assumed that would be a good snack, but it’s not. It’s been hard to find snacks I can just take, like already prepared. All the ones with lowest points are ones I have to make myself, like peppers in the oven and meat I have to cook, or recipes that require a bunch of stuff. If I want a hearty meal I have to make it myself, otherwise it’s just carrot sticks and bananas. I’ve never noticed these things before (or maybe I have and I forgot, that’s why I’m writing it down). Cause I’m sure I’ve eaten low calorie in the past, but then that can mean just not eating much but you eat whatever you choose. But I don’t want to be hungry. At least not all the time. ☹ I’m too much of a fat fuck for that! And besides, like I said before what’s the harm in doing it the WW way for a few months? I’m getting this for free after all. My goal this calendar year is to lose 20 pounds so I’m down to 175. Obviously that’s still morbidly obese but the idea of losing more weight is too daunting. I’ll never be down to a healthy weight, I don’t think. It’s not just my lack of willpower! Ever since I got sober I just put on weight so easily, I believe I fucked my body up with the excessive drinking and whatever other damage I inflicted. I might be able to stay skinny if I was like Mom and just like…never ate anything ever, but I don’t see myself being that way. But I’m fine with my looks. My ultimate goal weight is 150lbs, cause then I think that will put me in the “chubby” range. But that seems like so much weight…this year while I have WW for free I’m sticking with the 175. I can’t even imagine 150lbs…I don’t know if that 45-50lbs makes a big difference health wise or not? That’s another reason I want to lose weight too…I’m getting older and my body is starting to show it. I want to stay as active and energetic as I can! So if I eat better I’m hoping that will help.

Day 3

UGH. I’m so hungry! But I’m trying to stick to these points. Both days one and two I’ve gone over and went into my “weekly” points. Those are the ones you’re supposed to save for extra treats and stuff. It’s hard staying in the points. Cause things I didn’t think were that big of a deal like creamer are SO many points! So I can hardly put any creamer in my coffee! I went grocery shopping and finally got some things, so it’s easier now to make low-point meals. I got fresh produce and some grapes and peanut butter powder – that stuff is great – it’s like dried, powdered peanut butter but it still tastes good but it’s not a lot of points. So my main snack now has been a banana dipped in PB powder. That’s only two points. I’m finding that these veggies and fruits aren’t keeping me full, especially ones that are mostly water, like grapes. But I also know that I have to wait some time for my body to readjust to eating healthy and not having all the fake carbs and sugars and all that. I feel like the first two weeks will be hardest, because I’m retraining myself and my body to eat normally again and not like a fat fuck. I’ve noticed quite a few interesting things, even just three days in. I wanted to write down my observations.

It’s harder than I expected to sit once I finish my plate and just see if I am satisfied. I immediately want to get up and get more food, or get something sweet as a dessert. I have to remind myself that I am satiated, I don’t need to be FULL. I like feeling full but it’s not the healthiest or most productive thing for me. When I get really full I get really tired, and that more often than not leads me to lying down and taking a nap. I shouldn’t be sleepy after I eat, at least not every meal. But there’s a difference between being full and being satisfied, and I think I have to retrain myself to be comfortable with being satisfied and not overeating.
My body doesn’t like the reduction in calories (or I believe there’s a reduction, I can’t exactly tell since I’m doing the points thing and I’m too lazy to calculate calories on top of that). And it’s probably a combination of eating less and the damn awful heat. Every time I go outside I feel sick. Today I felt really sick, I woke up with a headache, and then once I got home from taking the kid to her appointment I was dizzy and nauseous too. I was desperate for some filling food so I just took one of her granola bars. That bitch was five points for that little thing! But honestly it was more satisfying than any fruit or veggie would have been. I still managed to stay in my points for today.
I didn’t realize how much bad food I prefer simply because it’s convenient. It’s been a lot more work just to eat now. I have to buy fresh groceries, and expensive stuff I’m not used to buying. I know I looked hella silly at Walmart the other day scanning barcodes in the grocery aisle. But I couldn’t tell what was good for points or what wasn’t. Like there was “skinny pop popcorn” and I assumed that would be a good snack, but it’s not. It’s been hard to find snacks I can just take, like already prepared. All the ones with lowest points are ones I have to make myself, like peppers in the oven and meat I have to cook, or recipes that require a bunch of stuff. If I want a hearty meal I have to make it myself, otherwise it’s just carrot sticks and bananas.

Day 5
It’s the end of the Day Five (Friday). It wasn’t very hard to stick to this diet so far, but the first week is never hard, supposedly. But I did just get back from buying a ton of healthy (and expensive!!) foods to keep me stocked for the coming week. So I’m putting my money where my mouth is and taking this seriously. I forgot how expensive it is to eat healthy with all these substitutions and shit. I found some dessert hummus at Target, and it’s delicious though! And it’s not a lot of points so that’s a good thing. I found a good sweet thing. I felt a little silly standing in the aisles scanning barcodes, but I wanna know the “points” stuff before I try it. I’m hoping this gets easier as time goes on. I feel a little bad for leaving Bethi out of this diet change of mine, but it kinda works out anyway, her mood stabilizer cuts her appetite so she hardly eats anyway. And she’s so supportive of me doing this and doesn’t mind me eating everything separate. 🥰 I’m so grateful she’s got my back with everything. It makes this easier. Not that it’s hard, I guess. It’s a pain in the ass for sure. I went to my first “In-Person” workshop on Thursday. It was underwhelming and overwhelming in all the wrong ways. I should have expected it to be full of fuckin old people talking about taking walks with their grandchildren and not having a cocktail at bingo. When I walked in it was a small spare room at a church and VERY loud. Honestly it reminds me very much of most AA meetings. The only thing missing was people smoking. I hid in the back and just observed, as I wasn’t really sure what to expect. The coach is cool, she’s not super old and she was very welcoming and talked to me afterward. Although when I asked if it’s normal to feel weak and dizzy on your first week she just deadpanned and said no. 😐 She probably just isn’t used to actual fat people like me adjusting to these dietary changes lol. I was practically the fattest person in the room too, although it was hard to tell cause with old people they’re really saggy so you don’t know if it’s fat or just their skin. But I was definitely ONE of the fattest there. But that’s some motivation I guess to keep to the diet. I’m gonna do a cheat day tomorrow though…I wonder if it will sabotage the whole week? Like I’m not gonna go ham and just eat whatever I want….okay yeah I am. But in moderation lol. Like I’m gonna put as much creamer as I want in my coffee, and have a slice of ice cream cake! And probably go out to a restaurant for dinner! Just one cheat day a week. Hopefully that isn’t too much. Like I said, if I can get to 175 before the end of 2024 I’ll be happy. I don’t want to tell anyone else that I’m on Weight Watchers though. I feel kinda embarrassed about it for some reason. I’m doubtful that I can lose any weight with it so I don’t want to tell people that I’m on a diet. It will come out eventually though, I guess. -_-

Day 5

It’s the end of the Day Five (Friday). It wasn’t very hard to stick to this diet so far, but the first week is never hard, supposedly. But I did just get back from buying a ton of healthy (and expensive!!) foods to keep me stocked for the coming week. So I’m putting my money where my mouth is and taking this seriously. I forgot how expensive it is to eat healthy with all these substitutions and shit. I found some dessert hummus at Target, and it’s delicious though! And it’s not a lot of points so that’s a good thing. I found a good sweet thing. I felt a little silly standing in the aisles scanning barcodes, but I wanna know the “points” stuff before I try it. I’m hoping this gets easier as time goes on. I feel a little bad for leaving Bethi out of this diet change of mine, but it kinda works out anyway, her mood stabilizer cuts her appetite so she hardly eats anyway. And she’s so supportive of me doing this and doesn’t mind me eating everything separate. 🥰 I’m so grateful she’s got my back with everything. It makes this easier. Not that it’s hard, I guess. It’s a pain in the ass for sure. I went to my first “In-Person” workshop on Thursday. It was underwhelming and overwhelming in all the wrong ways. I should have expected it to be full of fuckin old people talking about taking walks with their grandchildren and not having a cocktail at bingo. When I walked in it was a small spare room at a church and VERY loud. Honestly it reminds me very much of most AA meetings. The only thing missing was people smoking. I hid in the back and just observed, as I wasn’t really sure what to expect. The coach is cool, she’s not super old and she was very welcoming and talked to me afterward. Although when I asked if it’s normal to feel weak and dizzy on your first week she just deadpanned and said no. 😐 She probably just isn’t used to actual fat people like me adjusting to these dietary changes lol. I was practically the fattest person in the room too, although it was hard to tell cause with old people they’re really saggy so you don’t know if it’s fat or just their skin. But I was definitely ONE of the fattest there. But that’s some motivation I guess to keep to the diet. I’m gonna do a cheat day tomorrow though…I wonder if it will sabotage the whole week? Like I’m not gonna go ham and just eat whatever I want….okay yeah I am. But in moderation lol. Like I’m gonna put as much creamer as I want in my coffee, and have a slice of ice cream cake! And probably go out to a restaurant for dinner! Just one cheat day a week. Hopefully that isn’t too much. Like I said, if I can get to 175 before the end of 2024 I’ll be happy. I don’t want to tell anyone else that I’m on Weight Watchers though. I feel kinda embarrassed about it for some reason. I’m doubtful that I can lose any weight with it so I don’t want to tell people that I’m on a diet. It will come out eventually though, I guess. -_-

Day 7
I had a cheat day yesterdaaaaaay. :3 I don’t feel bad about it, maybe I should? It’s probably bad that I already did. I’ve been looking up some diet advice and the WW reddit and people were saying you should have at least a month before you even consider a cheat day. So…oops. I tried not to overeat, like if I wasn’t hungry I didn’t eat. Well…I guess I did once, we were at Dairy Queen and I wasn’t hungry, but I ordered cheese curds. I don’t really regret that either cause they were delicious. 🤤 I just fuckin love cheese, always. I ate too much for dinner cause Bethi made it for me, and I didn’t stop myself. Okay but there were actually a few times when I stopped myself! When I was about to take a nap I was up in the fridge and I really sat there and asked myself if I was hungry. I wasn’t, I was bored and just wanted to eat. So I didn’t eat nothing. Maybe that doesn’t count for much but I am glad I was aware of it. It was really bad though. D: I went 99 points over, like -99 weeklies. That’s insane!! For just one day! So that means I totally ruined my whole diet for the week. I’m not gonna weigh myself until the next clinic meeting on Thursday so I guess I’ll see if I still end up losing weight. Assuming I stick to the diet this week… I guess I can weigh myself right now, even though it’s night. Or I’ll do it tomorrow for day 7. I’m counting last Monday as day 0, but I did do the diet and tracked and stuff! But it just feels better to call Monday day 7. Then it will be a full seven days of tracking. But now today was rough for sure! I woke up this morning and I wanted more ice cream cake, and I’ve been hungry all day. I’ve been sticking with the diet but it’s tough, I’ve snacked a lot more than I should. But for dinner I had a fatass salad and that’s good, it fit in the points. How come after a salad I always still feel hungry?? Is that normal? Is that my ‘hunger cues’ or whatever being messed up? That can’t be normal, I hope it stops. Also today I looked up some “thinspo” and stuff to keep me motivated! But…now I just look at these thinspo blogs and I feel bad for these kids who run them. That so many of them are unhealthy and unhappy and trying to achieve these bony bodies. Now that just makes me sad, when I was young I used to look up thinspo and look up diet advice and stuff, but now it just makes me depressed. Not for myself, like I look at them skinny girls and know that I will NEVER look like that, but I don’t even want to. I don’t want a “thigh gap”, I just want to be healthy. Appearances are so fleeting and I’ve just learned not to put much stock in them. Especially since I’m already 30. That prime time for women looking beautiful and stuff is gone from me. It just…doesn’t seem important. I’m lucky though since I have a partner who loves me for way more than my looks. ;w; But the thinspo still keeps me motivated! It makes the hunger tolerable. I’m sure it will help me as I move into week two.

Day 7

I had a cheat day yesterdaaaaaay. :3 I don’t feel bad about it, maybe I should? It’s probably bad that I already did. I’ve been looking up some diet advice and the WW reddit and people were saying you should have at least a month before you even consider a cheat day. So…oops. I tried not to overeat, like if I wasn’t hungry I didn’t eat. Well…I guess I did once, we were at Dairy Queen and I wasn’t hungry, but I ordered cheese curds. I don’t really regret that either cause they were delicious. 🤤 I just fuckin love cheese, always. I ate too much for dinner cause Bethi made it for me, and I didn’t stop myself. Okay but there were actually a few times when I stopped myself! When I was about to take a nap I was up in the fridge and I really sat there and asked myself if I was hungry. I wasn’t, I was bored and just wanted to eat. So I didn’t eat nothing. Maybe that doesn’t count for much but I am glad I was aware of it. It was really bad though. D: I went 99 points over, like -99 weeklies. That’s insane!! For just one day! So that means I totally ruined my whole diet for the week. I’m not gonna weigh myself until the next clinic meeting on Thursday so I guess I’ll see if I still end up losing weight. Assuming I stick to the diet this week… I guess I can weigh myself right now, even though it’s night. Or I’ll do it tomorrow for day 7. I’m counting last Monday as day 0, but I did do the diet and tracked and stuff! But it just feels better to call Monday day 7. Then it will be a full seven days of tracking. But now today was rough for sure! I woke up this morning and I wanted more ice cream cake, and I’ve been hungry all day. I’ve been sticking with the diet but it’s tough, I’ve snacked a lot more than I should. But for dinner I had a fatass salad and that’s good, it fit in the points. How come after a salad I always still feel hungry?? Is that normal? Is that my ‘hunger cues’ or whatever being messed up? That can’t be normal, I hope it stops. Also today I looked up some “thinspo” and stuff to keep me motivated! But…now I just look at these thinspo blogs and I feel bad for these kids who run them. That so many of them are unhealthy and unhappy and trying to achieve these bony bodies. Now that just makes me sad, when I was young I used to look up thinspo and look up diet advice and stuff, but now it just makes me depressed. Not for myself, like I look at them skinny girls and know that I will NEVER look like that, but I don’t even want to. I don’t want a “thigh gap”, I just want to be healthy. Appearances are so fleeting and I’ve just learned not to put much stock in them. Especially since I’m already 30. That prime time for women looking beautiful and stuff is gone from me. It just…doesn’t seem important. I’m lucky though since I have a partner who loves me for way more than my looks. ;w; But the thinspo still keeps me motivated! It makes the hunger tolerable. I’m sure it will help me as I move into week two.

Day 8
I’m sticking to the diet today again! I’m starting to realize that I’m just going to be hungry sometimes, and that I have to be okay with that. Normally the second I’m hungry I run to get something to eat, but if I’m just sitting around then it’s alright to feel that. I don’t immediately need the energy. It’s not fun feeling hungry though. I think it will take some time to get used to. I hope eventually it doesn’t bother me as much as it does now. It’s only week two, I know I still got some time to go before I see any changes. I don’t think I’ve lost any weight yet. I weighed myself this morning with no clothes and I was 191.8 or something. So 192. But I don’t know what it will be with clothes on. I might go to the WW meeting tomorrow morning, even though I didn’t like it. I’ll just make sure to come in RIGHT at 9:30 so I don’t have to listen to all them loud-ass old people. It’s been a no-bones day for sure. I’ve been really tired all day, slept till noon and then I went BACK to sleep after only a few hours. But even in the short amount of time I was awake I was so hungry! I tried to just stick with the hunger, like I said. And it’s not like I’m starving myself or anything. I had a banana for breakfast and some mango slices. Fruit still isn’t filling me up, but like I said it’s only been a week so I have to give it some more time. Cause I know there are skinny bitches out there who can eat salads and fruit and be satisfied like they had a full meal. So I should be able to too! I’m still so tired today though. I get like that sometimes, I don’t think it’s anything to do with what I’m eating. Deadass I’m going to take another nap…

Day 8

I’m sticking to the diet today again! I’m starting to realize that I’m just going to be hungry sometimes, and that I have to be okay with that. Normally the second I’m hungry I run to get something to eat, but if I’m just sitting around then it’s alright to feel that. I don’t immediately need the energy. It’s not fun feeling hungry though. I think it will take some time to get used to. I hope eventually it doesn’t bother me as much as it does now. It’s only week two, I know I still got some time to go before I see any changes. I don’t think I’ve lost any weight yet. I weighed myself this morning with no clothes and I was 191.8 or something. So 192. But I don’t know what it will be with clothes on. I might go to the WW meeting tomorrow morning, even though I didn’t like it. I’ll just make sure to come in RIGHT at 9:30 so I don’t have to listen to all them loud-ass old people. It’s been a no-bones day for sure. I’ve been really tired all day, slept till noon and then I went BACK to sleep after only a few hours. But even in the short amount of time I was awake I was so hungry! I tried to just stick with the hunger, like I said. And it’s not like I’m starving myself or anything. I had a banana for breakfast and some mango slices. Fruit still isn’t filling me up, but like I said it’s only been a week so I have to give it some more time. Cause I know there are skinny bitches out there who can eat salads and fruit and be satisfied like they had a full meal. So I should be able to too! I’m still so tired today though. I get like that sometimes, I don’t think it’s anything to do with what I’m eating. Deadass I’m going to take another nap…

Day 9
Oof yeah I didn’t have a good day yesterday. It was SUPER no-bones. For all intents and purposes I slept all day. But then I ended up not eating as much, so I guess there’s that. I had like, 3 points to roll over into my weeklies. Today I slept all morning too though. I’m probably just overly tired and unmotivated cause I’ve been stuck in the house for too long. I didn’t go to church yesterday either cause I was sleeping. I have to go shopping again even though I just went on Friday. I think that’s another adjustment I have to make, because when you’re eating fresh foods you have to pick them up more. I’m used to eating lots of preserved and frozen stuff. Luckily since I work from home that’s not too much of an issue. Ugh, another crappy thing is that it’s costing me more. Healthy food is expensive! Yeah like basic lettuce and bananas don’t cost much, but if you want any kind of fancy salad kits or the zero-sweetener add-ons they cost a lot. Peanut butter by itself is already expensive (everything is nowadays) but then the powdered stuff is 13 bucks! Thankfully I can afford to spend more on groceries. And Bethi is taking over her own grocery shopping (maybe lol, getting her to go shopping on her own is nearly impossible). For lunch/breakfast I had half a banana and some of the peanut butter powder on a slice of bread. I’m surprised that bread isn’t too many points, either. I thought basically all carbs were bad on this diet lol. But hopefully that keeps me full until dinner

Day 9

Oof yeah I didn’t have a good day yesterday. It was SUPER no-bones. For all intents and purposes I slept all day. But then I ended up not eating as much, so I guess there’s that. I had like, 3 points to roll over into my weeklies. Today I slept all morning too though. I’m probably just overly tired and unmotivated cause I’ve been stuck in the house for too long. I didn’t go to church yesterday either cause I was sleeping. I have to go shopping again even though I just went on Friday. I think that’s another adjustment I have to make, because when you’re eating fresh foods you have to pick them up more. I’m used to eating lots of preserved and frozen stuff. Luckily since I work from home that’s not too much of an issue. Ugh, another crappy thing is that it’s costing me more. Healthy food is expensive! Yeah like basic lettuce and bananas don’t cost much, but if you want any kind of fancy salad kits or the zero-sweetener add-ons they cost a lot. Peanut butter by itself is already expensive (everything is nowadays) but then the powdered stuff is 13 bucks! Thankfully I can afford to spend more on groceries. And Bethi is taking over her own grocery shopping (maybe lol, getting her to go shopping on her own is nearly impossible). For lunch/breakfast I had half a banana and some of the peanut butter powder on a slice of bread. I’m surprised that bread isn’t too many points, either. I thought basically all carbs were bad on this diet lol. But hopefully that keeps me full until dinner

Day 11
Today was not a good day at all. It's not just the diet, the whole day has been horrible. It definitely affected my motivation and anything related to this diet. I felt so tired again, and anxious. I was so anxious I took one of my pills and went back to bed. So once again basically a whole day of getting nothing done. I woke up when Bethi got home and she and the kid went to Subway, and I had no motivation to make anything, not even to eat anything in the house. I ended up asking Bethi if they had one of those foot long cookies. 😞 I was hoping they would be sold out, but she came back with one. I just tore into it immediately, all I wanted was sugar and lard and carbs. It was so good though, SO indulgent. I ate half of it and I made myself stop before I made myself sick. Although I ended up eating about 2/3 of it in all once I was all done. Realistically it probably wasn't going too far over my calories for the day, whatever that limit is. Cause otherwise the only other things I ate that day were a serving of pita chips. Ah, but the really bad thing was I tried to throw it up a little later. It didn't go so well though. I think I mostly puked up water, and then I just felt gross afterward anyway. I figured if I purged that cookie then the calories wouldn't count! But I don't think I did it right, and I don't really want to learn how either. That's not something I'm going to try anymore. It's definitely way harder to be focusing on what I'm eating when I'm so tired that I can barely function. I don't know what it is this week. If I'm tired of being in the house 24/7, the heat, my hormones (cause I think my body is trying to have a period), I have no clue.

Day 11

Today was not a good day at all. It's not just the diet, the whole day has been horrible. It definitely affected my motivation and anything related to this diet. I felt so tired again, and anxious. I was so anxious I took one of my pills and went back to bed. So once again basically a whole day of getting nothing done. I woke up when Bethi got home and she and the kid went to Subway, and I had no motivation to make anything, not even to eat anything in the house. I ended up asking Bethi if they had one of those foot long cookies. 😞 I was hoping they would be sold out, but she came back with one. I just tore into it immediately, all I wanted was sugar and lard and carbs. It was so good though, SO indulgent. I ate half of it and I made myself stop before I made myself sick. Although I ended up eating about 2/3 of it in all once I was all done. Realistically it probably wasn't going too far over my calories for the day, whatever that limit is. Cause otherwise the only other things I ate that day were a serving of pita chips. Ah, but the really bad thing was I tried to throw it up a little later. It didn't go so well though. I think I mostly puked up water, and then I just felt gross afterward anyway. I figured if I purged that cookie then the calories wouldn't count! But I don't think I did it right, and I don't really want to learn how either. That's not something I'm going to try anymore. It's definitely way harder to be focusing on what I'm eating when I'm so tired that I can barely function. I don't know what it is this week. If I'm tired of being in the house 24/7, the heat, my hormones (cause I think my body is trying to have a period), I have no clue.

Day 12
It was another cheat day....😬 I've totally let myself get off track now. Since yesterday I've been not caring. I've kinda tracked the food today? But like...not seriously tracked it. Today wasn't a good day once again. We were supposed to be driving an hour down to that car dealership but then we realized we don't have the car title. It was after noon by then so I just gave up and made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, which is definitely not allowed in the diet. But I didn't really care. I honestly didn't even feel hungry, but I knew I had to eat or I was going to be feeling sick. I was trying to chug water as well. It's just too hot for me in the summer, and being out there for even a little bit makes me sick. I had the sandwich and then I ended up just sitting around the rest of the afternoon stressed as fuck and trying to get through my massive to-do list (my own fault, it's built up so bad this week from me sleeping and lazing so much). I still wasn't hungry. Although I'm wondering if it's cause I had that massive cookie the night before. I just kept going with the "fuck it" mentality today, and I went out for dinner. I had a smoothie from Panera and a gyro. My only regret is that I ate the whole gyro and I wish I would have only eaten half, cause I only needed half. I ate the whole thing and I am uncomfortably full, and I don't want to eat like that no more. But it was so good! And I'm definitely getting back on the diet tomorrow, so I won't be able to eat any leftovers anyway. I don't regret the cheat day, as long as I get back on track. It's too hard to focus on all that extra shit when I'm so stressed and feeling frazzled. I just can't focus on making food and planning it out and tracking it. It's just too much. So I gave myself like, two free days. I know that isn't good. If I want to lose weight I have to stick with this every day. I haven't weighed myself since that meeting last week so I don't know if I've gained or lost. I honestly doubt I've lost anything, but I'm sure I haven't gained either. I'll try to weigh myself tomorrow if I remember. I don't really like weighing myself...I'm never happy with the number on the scale and it just demoralizes me. I'd just prefer to stick to the diet for a few weeks and see if anything happens. If not, then I gotta be more strict, but at least then I'll be going into it with more practice than if I was just diving in to a more extreme diet.

Day 12

It was another cheat day....😬 I've totally let myself get off track now. Since yesterday I've been not caring. I've kinda tracked the food today? But like...not seriously tracked it. Today wasn't a good day once again. We were supposed to be driving an hour down to that car dealership but then we realized we don't have the car title. It was after noon by then so I just gave up and made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, which is definitely not allowed in the diet. But I didn't really care. I honestly didn't even feel hungry, but I knew I had to eat or I was going to be feeling sick. I was trying to chug water as well. It's just too hot for me in the summer, and being out there for even a little bit makes me sick. I had the sandwich and then I ended up just sitting around the rest of the afternoon stressed as fuck and trying to get through my massive to-do list (my own fault, it's built up so bad this week from me sleeping and lazing so much). I still wasn't hungry. Although I'm wondering if it's cause I had that massive cookie the night before. I just kept going with the "fuck it" mentality today, and I went out for dinner. I had a smoothie from Panera and a gyro. My only regret is that I ate the whole gyro and I wish I would have only eaten half, cause I only needed half. I ate the whole thing and I am uncomfortably full, and I don't want to eat like that no more. But it was so good! And I'm definitely getting back on the diet tomorrow, so I won't be able to eat any leftovers anyway. I don't regret the cheat day, as long as I get back on track. It's too hard to focus on all that extra shit when I'm so stressed and feeling frazzled. I just can't focus on making food and planning it out and tracking it. It's just too much. So I gave myself like, two free days. I know that isn't good. If I want to lose weight I have to stick with this every day. I haven't weighed myself since that meeting last week so I don't know if I've gained or lost. I honestly doubt I've lost anything, but I'm sure I haven't gained either. I'll try to weigh myself tomorrow if I remember. I don't really like weighing myself...I'm never happy with the number on the scale and it just demoralizes me. I'd just prefer to stick to the diet for a few weeks and see if anything happens. If not, then I gotta be more strict, but at least then I'll be going into it with more practice than if I was just diving in to a more extreme diet.

Day 15
It's been a few days since I checked in. The whole weekend I stuck to the diet! Then so far I have today as well. It wasn't too hard, not as bad as it was last weekend. I find I'm not as hungry already. I'm noticing that change. Sometimes I will be hungry but I have that thing where I don't have an appetite. Like, I'm already tired of the fruits and veggies and chicken lol. So sometimes I just don't really eat. I know I can't always get away with that, since my body hates me and I feel faint really easily. But for the regular days where I'm not moving around much it should be fine. Lol on Saturday we went to the ice skating rink with the kid. I told Bethi I felt like a fucking nerd preparing my dinner ahead of time so I didn't get hungry and sick while we were there. I did get treats at Wawa with them, but it was just a cappuccino. For dessert I had strawberries with those special chocolate chips melted on top. Plus the ice skating should have burned some calories! Maybe gave me a point or two back. It's gonna be harder to do some of my other little habits, like playing Warioware, since Tracy is back and she's always in the fucking living room taking the TV. I'm so sad she's back. It's back to being loud in this house and I hate it. But that won't deter me from this diet. Tomorrow I actually go to another meeting and I'm gonna weigh in. So I'll see if I lost any weight. I don't think I have. I've been having awful symptoms this past week like I'm getting my period, but then I haven't. I don't know what's going on, I got all the PMS symptoms but no bleeding. So I'm sure I'm bloating a lot. It feels like it. Just as long as I didn't gain weight in these two weeks. If that's the case then I'm fucking giving up immediately. All that hard work to GAIN? Better not!

Day 15

It's been a few days since I checked in. The whole weekend I stuck to the diet! Then so far I have today as well. It wasn't too hard, not as bad as it was last weekend. I find I'm not as hungry already. I'm noticing that change. Sometimes I will be hungry but I have that thing where I don't have an appetite. Like, I'm already tired of the fruits and veggies and chicken lol. So sometimes I just don't really eat. I know I can't always get away with that, since my body hates me and I feel faint really easily. But for the regular days where I'm not moving around much it should be fine. Lol on Saturday we went to the ice skating rink with the kid. I told Bethi I felt like a fucking nerd preparing my dinner ahead of time so I didn't get hungry and sick while we were there. I did get treats at Wawa with them, but it was just a cappuccino. For dessert I had strawberries with those special chocolate chips melted on top. Plus the ice skating should have burned some calories! Maybe gave me a point or two back. It's gonna be harder to do some of my other little habits, like playing Warioware, since Tracy is back and she's always in the fucking living room taking the TV. I'm so sad she's back. It's back to being loud in this house and I hate it. But that won't deter me from this diet. Tomorrow I actually go to another meeting and I'm gonna weigh in. So I'll see if I lost any weight. I don't think I have. I've been having awful symptoms this past week like I'm getting my period, but then I haven't. I don't know what's going on, I got all the PMS symptoms but no bleeding. So I'm sure I'm bloating a lot. It feels like it. Just as long as I didn't gain weight in these two weeks. If that's the case then I'm fucking giving up immediately. All that hard work to GAIN? Better not!

Day 19
I had another cheat day today. But once again I don't regret it. Let's see....I went a whole week without another cheat day, which is about right. Cause it was last Friday that I ate whatever I wanted. I noticed the day before (Thursday) was a real struggle to keep on track. I notice I've been slipping a bit on week three. I don't want to track or I overeat a litle too much. Not a crazy amount, but now I'm dipping into my weeklies almost every day. I decided that I'm not gonna track my cheat days, cause it just gives me an insanely negative weekly points balance, and it's nice to have a day where I don't have to fucking track all my food. I specifically asked Bethi if we could go out to dinner tonight just for my cheat day lmao. I mean, it wasn't just to stuff my face, it's been FOREVER since we had a date night...and we had a wonderful time. ^_^ Even if I hadn't been able to eat anything at the Cracker Barrel it was just nice to be out with my fiance, just the two of us. I wonder if I should start tracking my weight on here too. I've only weighed in twice in these two weeks, about to be three weeks. Hm. Week Three. It seems like I've been doing this a lot longer. I weighed myself on Thursday night and I'm at 188.5. So that's 6.5lbs down in uh....14 days. Which is fine I guess. I thought I'd lose weight faster with how bad my diet was before this.

Day 19

I had another cheat day today. But once again I don't regret it. Let's see....I went a whole week without another cheat day, which is about right. Cause it was last Friday that I ate whatever I wanted. I noticed the day before (Thursday) was a real struggle to keep on track. I notice I've been slipping a bit on week three. I don't want to track or I overeat a litle too much. Not a crazy amount, but now I'm dipping into my weeklies almost every day. I decided that I'm not gonna track my cheat days, cause it just gives me an insanely negative weekly points balance, and it's nice to have a day where I don't have to fucking track all my food. I specifically asked Bethi if we could go out to dinner tonight just for my cheat day lmao. I mean, it wasn't just to stuff my face, it's been FOREVER since we had a date night...and we had a wonderful time. ^_^ Even if I hadn't been able to eat anything at the Cracker Barrel it was just nice to be out with my fiance, just the two of us. I wonder if I should start tracking my weight on here too. I've only weighed in twice in these two weeks, about to be three weeks. Hm. Week Three. It seems like I've been doing this a lot longer. I weighed myself on Thursday night and I'm at 188.5. So that's 6.5lbs down in uh....14 days. Which is fine I guess. I thought I'd lose weight faster with how bad my diet was before this.